Am I really the only person who is a bit suspicious about the Yanks claiming they have killed Osama bin Laden after the world’s longest game of hide-and-seek? If they genuinely have then it is great news because the guy was a goat-raping cock. I just find it a little odd that they claimed to have shot him and then immediately disposed of his body in the sea, leaving no evidence whatsoever to back up their claim. There is also no photographic evidence to back them up. Apparently, President Obama saw the operation from a live feed but this, of course, is top secret so no one else is ever going to see it.
I also find it a bit strange that this operation took place a couple of days after the Royal Wedding, where the eyes of the world were focussed on the United Kingdom and the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The cynical part of me can’t help thinking that the Americans just didn’t like the fact that someone else was getting all the attention and they wanted to out-do us. I also think the American government felt that a story like this would boost Obama’s chances of getting re-elected in a couple of years.
Perhaps I am just cynical. Perhaps I am naive and ignorant. But could it be that the American government is even more ignorant to assume that the rest of the world will be taken in by such a weak plot? I wouldn’t possibly want to comment.
Tuesday 3 May 2011
Monday 22 November 2010
In the news today
Today's breakfast consisted of a bowl of Special K, two bananas and another round of swearing abuse at my TV because of the latest crazy idea the nanny state are planning to enforce upon people.
It again involves smokers. Now, I would like to point out that I don't smoke. I have never smoked and I never will. I think it is the most pointless way to waste money. And it kills you.
Nevertheless, the do-gooders have managed to get smoking banned in public places, they've managed to force me to put a "no smoking" sign in my office even though nobody who works here smokes, they have managed to get tobacco advertising banned, they've increased the minimum age for smoking, they've added so much tax that only about two percent of the cost is actually the product, they have also forced all tobacco companies to put a big warning on all their packets telling people they will get cancer if they buy their product.
So what is this latest idea to try and make the world a smoke-free place? They think they will stop everybody from smoking if they force all tobacco companies to remove their branding from the packets and just have brown boxes.
I'm sorry but if having a warning on the box telling people they will die if they open it doesn't deter people, I really don't think replacing their brand with a brown wrapper is going to do much. It would be a bit like trying to stop me masturbating over pictures of Keira Knightly by covering her legs up.
The fact of the matter is that the government, despite publicly backing such idiotic schemes, wants people to continue smoking because that is where they earn most of their money. If everybody stopped smoking how would they be able to waste the tax payers' money? They would have to raise tax on everything else!
It again involves smokers. Now, I would like to point out that I don't smoke. I have never smoked and I never will. I think it is the most pointless way to waste money. And it kills you.
Nevertheless, the do-gooders have managed to get smoking banned in public places, they've managed to force me to put a "no smoking" sign in my office even though nobody who works here smokes, they have managed to get tobacco advertising banned, they've increased the minimum age for smoking, they've added so much tax that only about two percent of the cost is actually the product, they have also forced all tobacco companies to put a big warning on all their packets telling people they will get cancer if they buy their product.
So what is this latest idea to try and make the world a smoke-free place? They think they will stop everybody from smoking if they force all tobacco companies to remove their branding from the packets and just have brown boxes.
I'm sorry but if having a warning on the box telling people they will die if they open it doesn't deter people, I really don't think replacing their brand with a brown wrapper is going to do much. It would be a bit like trying to stop me masturbating over pictures of Keira Knightly by covering her legs up.
The fact of the matter is that the government, despite publicly backing such idiotic schemes, wants people to continue smoking because that is where they earn most of their money. If everybody stopped smoking how would they be able to waste the tax payers' money? They would have to raise tax on everything else!
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Viva La France
Now far be it from me to stick my nose into politics or anything like that but I’m really confused about this UK/France defence treaty.
Other than the obvious benefit of it pissing the Americans off, I really can’t see how the United Kingdom can possibly benefit from it. I mean what exactly does France have to offer? A guide on how to surrender successfully is hardly going to be useful to us. Neither will their emergency supply of white flags.
When those idiotic, goat raping, Middle-Eastern rag-heads in this country attempt to blow something up (usually themselves), we raise our terror alerts. The French raise theirs too but they have a different priority system. They will raise theirs from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”.
Seriously, the French made more of an effort fighting against Euro Disney than the Nazis. I seem to recall fireworks were banned at Euro Disney a few years ago after a display at night caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of tourists.
So really Mr Cameron, what is it you hope to achieve by this stange move? Please enlighten us all.
Other than the obvious benefit of it pissing the Americans off, I really can’t see how the United Kingdom can possibly benefit from it. I mean what exactly does France have to offer? A guide on how to surrender successfully is hardly going to be useful to us. Neither will their emergency supply of white flags.
When those idiotic, goat raping, Middle-Eastern rag-heads in this country attempt to blow something up (usually themselves), we raise our terror alerts. The French raise theirs too but they have a different priority system. They will raise theirs from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”.
Seriously, the French made more of an effort fighting against Euro Disney than the Nazis. I seem to recall fireworks were banned at Euro Disney a few years ago after a display at night caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of tourists.
So really Mr Cameron, what is it you hope to achieve by this stange move? Please enlighten us all.
Wednesday 20 October 2010
The nerve of some people
OK so I had a couple of really interesting conversations yesterday. Well when I say interesting I mean interesting in the same way as a brain haemorrhage is interesting.
First thing in the morning I had one of our really annoying clients phone me, chasing up some outstanding work that I haven’t done for him. I apologised for not having looked at it for a week and explained this was because I had been on holiday the previous week and was catching up on the pile of proverbial that had hit the fan in my absence.
I promised I would take a look as soon as I had deleted all my emails marked “urgent” and get a quote over to him by the end of the week.
“A what?” he asked?
“A quote” I said.
“What are you quoting for?” he asked in his idiotic, whiney voice.
I explained that I needed to look in detail at what he was asking me to do and work out roughly how long I think it will take to build. I would multiply the number of hours by my standard hourly rate and that would give me a price. It’s generally how quotes work.
He seemed rather put out by this and said he didn’t realise I would be charging him.
What the hell is wrong with you man?! Do you really expect everything in life to be free? How the hell do you expect me to earn a living if I never charge for work you ignorant, obnoxious prick!
Anyway, later in the day I went to see another client who needed a re-design of his website “urgently”. Now, I’m the sort of person who will deliberately read emails marked with those irritating exclamation marks last. I’ll be the judge of what is important in my own daily schedule thanks matey!
Anyway, I said I can get started as soon as possible. He asked when I thought I could get it finished by. My answer – based on my already obscene workload – was next week at the earliest. He asked if I thought I could get it finished any sooner. I asked how soon he was thinking. His answer was “tomorrow”.
This was 3PM in the afternoon and he wanted me to build a rather complicated content-managed, database driven website in less than a day.
I hate customers, I really do. It seems to me that people are getting more and more ignorant by the day. I swear one of these days I’m going to snap and actually murder one of them. Watch this space.
First thing in the morning I had one of our really annoying clients phone me, chasing up some outstanding work that I haven’t done for him. I apologised for not having looked at it for a week and explained this was because I had been on holiday the previous week and was catching up on the pile of proverbial that had hit the fan in my absence.
I promised I would take a look as soon as I had deleted all my emails marked “urgent” and get a quote over to him by the end of the week.
“A what?” he asked?
“A quote” I said.
“What are you quoting for?” he asked in his idiotic, whiney voice.
I explained that I needed to look in detail at what he was asking me to do and work out roughly how long I think it will take to build. I would multiply the number of hours by my standard hourly rate and that would give me a price. It’s generally how quotes work.
He seemed rather put out by this and said he didn’t realise I would be charging him.
What the hell is wrong with you man?! Do you really expect everything in life to be free? How the hell do you expect me to earn a living if I never charge for work you ignorant, obnoxious prick!
Anyway, later in the day I went to see another client who needed a re-design of his website “urgently”. Now, I’m the sort of person who will deliberately read emails marked with those irritating exclamation marks last. I’ll be the judge of what is important in my own daily schedule thanks matey!
Anyway, I said I can get started as soon as possible. He asked when I thought I could get it finished by. My answer – based on my already obscene workload – was next week at the earliest. He asked if I thought I could get it finished any sooner. I asked how soon he was thinking. His answer was “tomorrow”.
This was 3PM in the afternoon and he wanted me to build a rather complicated content-managed, database driven website in less than a day.
I hate customers, I really do. It seems to me that people are getting more and more ignorant by the day. I swear one of these days I’m going to snap and actually murder one of them. Watch this space.
Thursday 23 September 2010
Banned from Facebook
This was the photo Facebook deemed to be too rude to show on a user's profile. Can you spot why? If only Kylie would do that to me...
P.S. It's a microphone!
P.S. It's a microphone!
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Women are not for decoration
Now far be it from me to wish to stereotype anyone but have you noticed how all feminists look the same? Plain, wear glasses, incapable of smiling, look like they should work in a library, own several cats and smell of wee?
Wednesday 11 August 2010
The stupidest creatures on the planet
Back when I first started building websites for people, it was a relatively simple task. Someone would phone up and ask for a website. Our designer would finish his spliff and then design something pretty. I would then write all the wizardry bits of code to make the site work and allow the customer to update the contents from a nice and secure administration area.
It was an easy life back then. Very rarely would there be any more to it than that. The boss would invoice them and they would happily go about their business. Very occasionally I would get a phone call from someone asking if I could explain one or two aspects of the site that they couldn’t get their heads around. That was fine because they were usually good questions.
However, things have somewhat changed since then. I’m not sure whether it is a result of people becoming too used to having things done for them or because modern technology has given people the impression they are cleverer than they actually are but people seem to be less able to grasp even the most simple concepts these days. Personally I think it is down to a simple case of genetic degeneration. Or to put it another way people are just becoming more and more stupid.
I am building things in almost exactly the same way as I did 10 years ago. Better in fact; more intuitive easier to navigate; better looking. Yet when I hand something over to a customer now, they cannot seem to grasp even the simplest concepts. People want me to input the content for them, they want me to spend a day down at their office teaching them how to use the system, they ask me how to find something even when it is right in front of their nose just because they wanted to make sure… for goodness sake people use your bloody common sense! Stop bugging me and leave me the hell alone!
It was an easy life back then. Very rarely would there be any more to it than that. The boss would invoice them and they would happily go about their business. Very occasionally I would get a phone call from someone asking if I could explain one or two aspects of the site that they couldn’t get their heads around. That was fine because they were usually good questions.
However, things have somewhat changed since then. I’m not sure whether it is a result of people becoming too used to having things done for them or because modern technology has given people the impression they are cleverer than they actually are but people seem to be less able to grasp even the most simple concepts these days. Personally I think it is down to a simple case of genetic degeneration. Or to put it another way people are just becoming more and more stupid.
I am building things in almost exactly the same way as I did 10 years ago. Better in fact; more intuitive easier to navigate; better looking. Yet when I hand something over to a customer now, they cannot seem to grasp even the simplest concepts. People want me to input the content for them, they want me to spend a day down at their office teaching them how to use the system, they ask me how to find something even when it is right in front of their nose just because they wanted to make sure… for goodness sake people use your bloody common sense! Stop bugging me and leave me the hell alone!
Thursday 5 August 2010
Thursday 22 July 2010
In the words of Lady Gaga...
OK so a few weeks ago I wrote a short blog bitching about people interrupting me. Well leading on from that I’d like to bitch a little bit more about being interrupted by the telephone.
Telephones have to be one of the worst inventions ever. They are so rude. Email and text messages are OK because they are less intrusive. It’s a bit like someone standing in your line of sight making subtle gestures to get your attention. You can acknowledge them and speak when it is convenient for you to do so.
A telephone is a bit like someone interrupting your conversation, patting you on the shoulder and shouting “listen to me, listen to me”. People generally don’t do that because it is deemed rude and they know they’d probably get a punch in the face. Forgive the alliteration but why in the name of Beyonce’s bouncy buttocks do people think it’s alright to do it over the phone?
In my professional capacity as a web developer, I find certain customers to be the most ignorant and stupid of all god’s creatures. Let me explain. I will be in the middle of writing a big ream of code, which to put into perspective for those of you who aren’t familiar with programming is akin to solving algebraic equations whilst simultaneously learning Latin and playing chess.
Anyway, I will receive an email from someone. After 5 or 10 minutes I will receive a phone call from the same customer asking if I received the email. They will then repeat the contents of their email to me over the phone and expect me to jump at their command and answer their usually stupidly inane question.
Some people just don’t get it. I didn’t reply to the email straight away because I was busy so what the hell makes them think I’m going to be able to speak to them? Also, thanks to their interruption I’ve completely lost the plot and have to spend 10 minutes figuring out what the hell I was doing before they interrupted me!
The bottom line for you idiots is this: Stop calling me I don’t want to speak to you!
Telephones have to be one of the worst inventions ever. They are so rude. Email and text messages are OK because they are less intrusive. It’s a bit like someone standing in your line of sight making subtle gestures to get your attention. You can acknowledge them and speak when it is convenient for you to do so.
A telephone is a bit like someone interrupting your conversation, patting you on the shoulder and shouting “listen to me, listen to me”. People generally don’t do that because it is deemed rude and they know they’d probably get a punch in the face. Forgive the alliteration but why in the name of Beyonce’s bouncy buttocks do people think it’s alright to do it over the phone?
In my professional capacity as a web developer, I find certain customers to be the most ignorant and stupid of all god’s creatures. Let me explain. I will be in the middle of writing a big ream of code, which to put into perspective for those of you who aren’t familiar with programming is akin to solving algebraic equations whilst simultaneously learning Latin and playing chess.
Anyway, I will receive an email from someone. After 5 or 10 minutes I will receive a phone call from the same customer asking if I received the email. They will then repeat the contents of their email to me over the phone and expect me to jump at their command and answer their usually stupidly inane question.
Some people just don’t get it. I didn’t reply to the email straight away because I was busy so what the hell makes them think I’m going to be able to speak to them? Also, thanks to their interruption I’ve completely lost the plot and have to spend 10 minutes figuring out what the hell I was doing before they interrupted me!
The bottom line for you idiots is this: Stop calling me I don’t want to speak to you!
Monday 12 July 2010
Poor English from the Telegraph
Only a couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog for another site venting my frustration at the increasing deterioration in the English Language. I cited an example from a very well known bank whose spelling and punctuation was simply atrocious. Admittedly you probably don't need a degree in English to work as a lowly secretary in a bank but I imagine that you would need a pretty good grasp of the English language to be, say, a journalist.
Not so it would seem. Look at the screenshot I took of a very topical news story on the Daily Telegraph website. Appalling lack of punctuation!
Here is the article itself. I wonder if they will read this blog and fix the atrociously bad mistakes.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/7884332/Raoul-Moat-timeline-of-missed-opportunities-to-catch-killer.html
Not so it would seem. Look at the screenshot I took of a very topical news story on the Daily Telegraph website. Appalling lack of punctuation!
Here is the article itself. I wonder if they will read this blog and fix the atrociously bad mistakes.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/7884332/Raoul-Moat-timeline-of-missed-opportunities-to-catch-killer.html
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